Robin sat staring at the blank journal that Patrick had given her as a gift. It was his way of trying to get her to stop the online pregnancy blog that she had started. At first she was offended by the gift but then the more she thought about it, the more sensible the journal sounded. But she didn’t want to just keep a journal of her pregnancy, so instead she decided to turn it into something for the muffin. Getting up from her spot on the couch she walked over to the desk and grabbed Patrick’s pen that he’d left lying there. She realized that he must have been using it when he reviewed some charts the night before and must have left it there that morning. Walking back to the couch she sat down and picked up the blank journal. She uncapped the pen and then as she sat for a few more minutes staring at the blank page before her, a smile crossed her face and she figured out what she was going to do with the book. After spending a few moments organizing her thoughts on what to say, she finally put pen to paper.
Hi baby. I am your mommy. I just want to start off by saying how much I love you. You are my miracle. The one thing I wanted most out of life and wasn’t sure I’d ever get you. But you are going to be here in a few months, so that dream has come true, and let me tell you muffin I really can’t wait to meet you. Everyone is excited to meet you. You aren’t even born yet and there are so many people that already love you. There is your Aunt Maxie, Great Uncle Mac, Grandpa Noah, Aunt Brenda, Uncle Sonny, Grandma Anna (even if she can’t admit that she is going to be a grandmother.), and your daddy. See muffin, you are coming into a world where so many people love you. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to know that there are so many people that love you just as much as I do.
It also makes me sad that there is one person who won’t get to meet you….and it’s someone that you would have loved when you first met her. Your Aunt Georgie. She was so smart, and loving and so full of life, but she was taken away from us….but your Aunt Maxie believes that you were sent to us by her. And I believe that muffin. You see your Aunt Georgie was an amazing person and I’m 100% sure that she’d be so supportive of this pregnancy. She always told me all she wanted for any of us was for us all to be happy and healthy……and for the most part Maxie and I are healthy and happy. You see muffin mommy is sick. I have this disease inside me called HIV, which I will explain more to you when you are older, and while it’s undetectable right now, it’s still in me. And your Aunt Maxie is sick too, but not like mommy. She has a heart condition. She’s had it since she was young. When she was little she needed a new heart and she got one, from her cousin BJ, who was killed in a car accident. And while we were sad to lose BJ, we were glad because she gave Maxie the chance to live. But I’ll let Maxie tell you all about it when you are older, since it’s her story to tell.
I bet you are probably wondering about why I am calling you muffin, well it’s because we don’t know if you are a girl or a boy. So we don’t have a name picked out for you yet. In fact now that I think about it, your father and I haven’t even talked about names for you at all. I will have to remember to broach that topic with him….but anyways we were discussing your nickname, which I’m afraid your father may call you no matter what name we chose for you. You see when some woman get pregnant they say they have a bun in the oven, and well I don’t really like buns, I’m more of a muffin person, so you are forever going to be known as muffin. Though I do promise that by the time you see this we will have a name picked out for you.
As I sit here writing this I can’t help but wonder what you will look like. I wonder if you’ll favor me or your father more. I mean there are attributes of both of us I want you to have, like your fathers dimples….they are so adorable. Of course if you have them then I am sure you will come with the Drake knowledge of how to use them to get what you want, your father sure does. Oh and you have to have his adorable pout too……which of course if you ask him he doesn’t have because he doesn’t pout, but I will let you in on a little secret, he does pout, all the time. But it’s one of the things I love about him. Any ways, we were discussing you not your father, and I hope that you get your fathers capacity to love, because he has a large one, even if he doesn’t realize it.
I guess while we are talking about your father I should probably explain a few things. You see for a while your father and I weren’t together. We still loved each other, but at that point we just wanted different things out of life. Then your Aunt Georgie was taken from us and your father and I comforted each other and created you. And after that we slowly started working our way back towards each other. Things were rocky for a while though. You see your father is a very loving compassionate man, but things happened in his life before him and I met and they affected the way he saw his future. He didn’t see having a family of his own, I mean with him being a father, and because of this I didn’t believe him at first when he told me he was happy that we were having you. But don’t fret Muffin because over the past two months he has proven that he wants you and me. He wants our family. And we are going to be a family.
I guess what I’m trying to really say is that no matter what you hear about your father and I, you have to know that we love each other very much and we both love and want you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to us muffin, and I pray that you never ever doubt how much we love you.
It’s funny. I’ve loved you from the moment Kelly, my friend from work, told me about you. You see because of the disease I have I never thought that I would have children of my own. Of course for a while there I never thought I’d find love again either, but I did. I found my forever love in your father. He is my future, as are you muffin. You both are the family that I have been waiting for. You are the future I always dreamed of having.
I love you Muffin, with all of my heart, and my wish for you is that you have a happy, healthy life full of love, not just from your father and I, and the rest of the family, but that one day when you are old enough you find the forever kind of love. The love that your Grandpa Noah and Grandma Mattie had before your grandma passed on, and the love that your father and I have. The kind of love that lasts through all time. That is my wish for you my muffin.
I am going to end it here because your father will be home soon and he’d be worried if he saw me crying. I love you muffin.
Love always and forever,
Robin finished writing and then closed the journal. She put it on the table in front of her and reached for a blank piece of paper. On it she wrote:
Brenda (though now sure how)
Smiling she capped the pen and put it down on top of the piece of paper. She then looked as she watched the front door open. Her smile got bigger as she watched him walk into the house still in his scrubs.
“Hey.” He said upon seeing her.
“Hey yourself.” She replied as he came over and leaned down to kiss her.
He sat down on the couch next to her and saw the piece of paper with the names on it.
“A list of names.” She said as she snuggled into him, placing her head on his shoulder and inhaling his scent.
“Yes I’m familiar with you and lists.” He said with a raised eyebrow. “Would you like to tell me what this list is for?”
“Well.” She said moving to look at him. “I’ve decided what I want to do with the journal that you gave me.”
“Oh really?” He asked as he laid a possessive hand over her protruding belly.
“Yes, and the names on that list are going to help.” She told him as she covered his hand wit hers.
“Well since I’m on the top of the list I think you should explain a bit more.”
“I wrote a letter to the muffin.” She told him. “It’s on the first page of this book. I want to have each person on that list write our baby a letter. Something that muffin can look back on years from now and now how much they were loved and wanted.” She told him smiling at him shyly.
“I think that is a fantastic idea.” He said before leaning over to kiss her. “But I’d like to make a request.”
“I want to go last.” He told her. “I think since you started it, I should finish it. You know the opening by mommy and then ending by daddy. It will be like muffins very own fairy tale.”
“Ok.” She said softly as she allowed him to pull her towards him. “So tomorrow I will take this to Maxie and get her to add hers.”
“Sounds like a plan.” He said kissing her forehead and closing his eyes, enjoying the feel of the woman he loved being in his arms, with their once again joined hands lying protectively over their muffin.
TBC…….Next up Maxie.
Monday, May 12, 2008