A New Day
They say that as each new day dawns, your slate is wiped clean. It’s a new day to ponder what lies ahead…..a day to reflect on the night that has passed, but with the knowledge that you can’t change what happened yesterday, that day is done and as the sun comes up it’s the start of a brand new day, a day to not repeat the mistakes of yesterday, but a day to start towards the promise of tomorrow. The same thing can be said for New years day. It’s the start of another 365 days………days that are clean slates to make of them what you will…..the question is will you make them happy or sad? Will you fulfill your dreams, or will you let your fears keep you on the sidelines as the one you want sets out to fulfill their dreams? Will you work to find the middle ground that keeps you the same, but make the promise of discussing change at the end? It’s a day filled with questions, many of which you asked yourself the day before, or even the month before. It’s the day that you ask yourself is everything you fear worth watching the one thing you want more than anything walk away from you again? Is your innate fear of change worth risking the loss of love? It’s a new day, a new year………………………….
He sat silently staring out the window of his bedroom. He was watching the snow fall; he’d been doing that for the past half hour. He’d been awake for over an hour ago and had spent the first half hour he was awake just watching the woman he loved sleeping peacefully next to him. It was one of his favorite things to do….he loved watching her sleep, seeing how peaceful she looked. He especially loved the fact that when she was asleep he knew her mind wasn’t moving a thousand miles a minute with more reason why they shouldn’t be together, or more grief over the raw pain she felt at having buried her cousin on Christmas Eve. Sighing he thought back to that night, the night she’d shown up on his doorstep asking to be held, needing comfort that only he could give her. So they had spent the night in each others arms, and then they’d spent Christmas together as much as they could at work. It was at the end of their shift, both tired from the emergencies that kept them there longer than expected that he’d gotten a promise from her, a promise to spend New Years eve together, using it as another step towards reconciliation.
He’d made them a candle lit dinner in his apartment, they’d danced slowly to their favorite song, they watched the ball drop on tv and shared a kiss at midnight. A chaste kiss at first, full of love for each other, but the long months apart, and the feel of their lips touching and their bodies pressed together, soon led them from a small simple kiss to a kiss so filled with passion that it consumed them. They made love in front of the fire he’d built, then again later when he carried her to his bed. The first time hurried, the excitement of being together after so long consuming them both, but the second time they took their time and reacquainted themselves with bodies they had known as well as they had known their own……and in the end they fell asleep wrapped up in each other, with the satisfaction of knowing that their love was still there, and the hope that perhaps not all was lost.
Turning from the window he smiled as she saw her roll on to her back. She was twisted up in the blanket and the t shirt he’d given her to wear. But she was smiling…….a satisfied smile that to him meant that she wasn’t unhappy with where she was. Of course it also made him hope that she was dreaming of him, it’s what he did every night they were apart. He dreamt of her. He dreamt that she was with him, that their nightmare of a break up had never happened, and that he’d never tried to move on from her. Then he’d wake up alone, and realize that it was all a dream…..but with each passing day he realized the more he tried to forget the more he remembered. Then the nightmare, the Black and White ball, happened, and once again their lives were interrupted by a mad man….the only problem was he wasn’t there with her, no he’d been stupid and insecure and couldn’t go alone……no he wanted her to think he’d moved on….then his date had taken a bullet for him, and while she was passed out he used the opportunity to tell the woman he loves, that he still loved her, but that maybe it was time to let go……he’d been so wrong. He knew deep down he couldn’t let go……….
He hadn’t lied to her the day in the hospital when he’d first brought up the compromise, he wanted her in his life, he loved her and he missed her…….and the kiss they had shared that day had brought back so many memories of what it was like to taste her. He’d wished he could have spent the rest of the day just holding her in his arms and kissing her. They were good when they were like that….it was the talking and the trying to figure out how to be together that was the problem. No actually, he corrected himself in his mind, their problem was that they were both stubborn and knew that no matter what comprise they came up with, and there was always the chance that one of them would walk away. And he knew somehow that it would always be her…….because she wanted something he wasn’t sure he could give her….a baby. Truth was if she pushed the issue and that was the only way to keep he would knock her up tomorrow…..but could he do it and say he would have no regrets later on? No…..and there lies the problem. Was he, Patrick Drake, former playboy ready to be a father? Was he ready to have someone depended on him for guidance?
In the back of his mind he was screaming no, that wasn’t who he was. He was not cut out to be a father. He was cut out to be the best neurosurgeon in the universe and be the one man that loved Robin and never left her, but he wasn’t sure he was a man that was cut out to be a father. Of course another part of his brain told him it was only because he was scared to death of repeating the mistakes his father had made…..and the truth was the thought of Robin being gone and having their child dependent on him scared the shit out of him. He realized during the Metro Court crises that if Robin died he could see himself loosing it like his father had…..would he become a drunk, maybe, maybe not….but he knew that the day she left him forever, would be the day his life ended…..and no child should have to go through what he did and lose both parents at the same time. So he made up his mind that he would never be a father.....but he’d proposed a comprise to Robin, he’d asked her for one year of just them, then they would discuss a baby…..but Robin saw through it. She knew that there was a chance that in a year he wouldn’t change his mind. So they were back to not being together…..but then Georgie had been killed and she’d come to him for comfort, and that was the day that things started to turn around for them. That was the day he got back the woman he thought he’d never have again.
It was also the day he realized how short life truly was. First they’d lost Emily, then they’d almost lost Maxie, and now they’d lost Georgie. It made him fully understand Robin’s need to have a baby now…..because you never knew how much time you had left……and like he’d told her in her apartment after April died…….he wanted to make the most of the time he had with her. As he watched her sleep he realized that he was getting a second chance to make that happen…..and it was a chance he planned not to waste.
Before midnight they had each written down their most important new year’s resolution, and promised to read them to each other the next day. He’d gone and gotten them when he first got out of bed, now he sat with them folded in front of him, waiting for her to wake up so they could read them…….
“Patrick.” He heard her say softly as he continued to watch the snow fall.
“Here love.” He said turning to face her.
“What are you doing over there?” She said sitting up and pushing her hair off her face.
“Watching the snow.” He said reaching his hand out to her in invitation.
Smiling she stood up from the bed and padded barefoot to where he was sitting by the window. She took his hand and allowed him to pull her towards him and help her get settled on the window seat in front of him. He then picked up the blanket beside him and wrapped it around them before wrapping his arms around her and placing his chin on the top of her head.
“It’s so beautiful.” She said softly.
“Yes you are.” He told her.
“Patrick.” She said with a laugh “I was talking about the snow.”
“I am aware of that love.” He said dropping a kiss to her shoulder.
“How long have you been up?”
“About two hours.”
“Have you been watching the snow this whole time?”
“No I watched you sleep for a while then started to watch the snow.”
“Oh.” She said as they watched the snow continue to fall. Silently Robin prayed that the snow would be so bad that they would have to stay in Patrick’s apartment for a while. It was peaceful there and for once in a couple months everything felt right to her. As if this was where she was meant to be. And deep down, she knew it was exactly where she was meant to be.
“As I was sitting here I realized that deep down I want to give you everything.” He said breaking the silence. “I want to give you the baby, the house, the future that you have always dreamed of…..but I’m scared Robin. I’m scared that if/when you leave me that I will turn into my father, and I can’t do that to your child. I can’t.”
“You aren’t Noah.” She told him. “You are not predestined to repeat his mistakes. You are one of the strongest men I know Patrick, and I honestly, truly, 100% believe that you would be an exceptional father.” She said. “I also know that as selfish as you are, that you woudn’t fail my child. You wouldn’t let yourself.”
“You can’t know that.” He told her quietly.
“I can.” She said. “Because I know you Patrick. I know that you would look at our child and see enough of me in him or her that would keep you from abandoning them….I also know that you want me to yourself….you don’t want to share me. I’ve seen that when you react to my talking to Nik or Jason….and just think that child would give you a part of me forver.” She said turing to face him and touching his cheek softly.
“A part of you.” He said looking at her.
“A part of me that would be with you, even if I’m not.” She told him. “That is why I know that as scared as you are, you would be a wonderful father….especially because you Patrick Drake, have an ego the size of Texas that wouldn’t let you fail me or our child.”
“Robin.” He said softly.
“But it’s ok.” She said interrupting him. “It’s ok that you don’t want this. It’s ok that you want it to be just us. It’s ok.”
“No it’s not.” He told her as he reached around her for the pieces of paper that they had written then resolutions on. “It’s not ok for you to give up your dream for me.”
“I’m not.” She said. “I realized something watching Felicia with Maxie. I realized that she left her children motherless and I won’t do that. So it’s ok….because it’s just us.”
“My new years resolution.” He said unfolding the paper. “Is to become the man that Robin knows I can be, to become the man that will be the best father to our baby that I know I can be, and to make Robin happier than she has ever been in her life.”
“I’m happiest when I’m with you.” She told him as a tear slipped down her cheek.
“I feel the same way.” He told her wiping her tear away.
“But that doesn’t mean that you have to change who you are and give me something you can’t give me.”
“I’m not changing who I am Robin; I’m being who you’ve known I always was.” He said. “I’m being the man that loves you beyond reason and wants a future with you, a future that includes children……I lied Robin.” He told her. “I lied when I said I didn’t see you as the mother of my future children. You are the mother of my future children Robin.”
“Patrick.” She said as tears slipped down her cheeks again.
“It doesn’t have to be figured out right this second Robin.” He told her as he once again wiped away her tears. “We have plenty of time to figure it all out. Now read yours.”
“My new year’s resolution.” She said unfolding her paper, and following his lead. “Is to be with Patrick, any way that I can….to show him how much I still love him and miss him and want to be with him for as long as he’ll have me.”
“Forever Robin. I will have you forever.” He said before closing the space between them and claiming her lips with his.
They say that as each new day dawns, your slate is wiped clean. It’s a new day to ponder what lies ahead…..a day to reflect on the night that has passed, but with the knowledge that you can’t change what happened yesterday, that day is done and as the sun comes up it’s the start of a brand new day, a day to not repeat the mistakes of yesterday, but a day to start towards the promise of tomorrow. It’s a new day, a new year…………………
Posts
